Social media makes it easier than ever to annoy friends, irritate customers and ruin your reputation. You can do it in just seconds (and fewer than 140 characters) with these top tips.
1. Don’t follow.
You’re a leader, not a follower. If you don’t follow them, they won’t follow you. It’s the ideal way to keep your Tweets whirling into the ether. A bit like howling at the moon. Ace!
2. Use popular hashtags like #JustinBieber.
Insert trending hashtags that aren’t relevant to your Tweets. It’s a foolproof trick to attract attention (for all the right reasons).
3. Keep your Twitter ID top secret.
Sure, the Linkerati put their Twitter handle everywhere, but that’s so obvious. Just one Follow Me badge on your website will do nicely. Putting a Twitter ID on your LinkedIn profile, Facebook page or email signature is totally OTT. Subtle = successful!
4. Drink and Tweet.
It’s wine o’clock, but don’t let that stop you. Keep a shandy handy to ensure your Tweets are full of sparkling wit and personality. Je ne regrette rien!
5. Use Twitter when bitter.
Etiquette? Forget it. Join in witch hunts, character assassination and general nastiness. And bring on the swearing. Edgy! After all, everyone knows Miss Manners is a big fat #*@ cow. With nits.
6. Stay on topic: you!
Talk at people, not with them. Prattle on about how fab your business is — that’s the best way to impress people and drum up new business (instantly). It’s all about the splendour that is you. High five!
7. Send lashings of DM.
Set up automated direct messages, so when people follow you they’re instantly rewarded with an inbox full of spam and bacn. Makes ‘em feel special.
8. Tweet 24/7.
Stay glued to that screen, even if it rankles your friends and wrecks your home life. People who rely on Hootsuite, Tweetdeck or Seesmic to be more efficient (or even schedule Tweets ahead of time) are just wimps.
9. Don’t fret about speling.
Social media should be fun. You’re too clever to conform to old-fashioned rules. Ignore smug prigs like @GrammarCop and @YourorYoure and forgo The Oatmeal’s Twitter Spelling Test. Live and let lvie!
10. Remember: lists are for losers.
Directories such as WeFollow, Twellow and Listorious are for serious social media nerds with thousands of followers. You do not want to be tarred with that brush. Avoid.
If you’ve found these tips useful, you may be tempted to share them using the links below. Please think twice. Surely if you’ve learned anything from this post, it’s this: ’tis better to receive than to give.
P.S. Don’t even think about following us on Twitter. We are so not interested.
